Goodbye 2014....

I shall not miss you....

Last year when I posted my 'goodbyes' on New Year's Eve and was so very glad to see the back of 2013, I had no idea that the second half of 2014 would make me wish I was back there again.

Today, 18 months after developing Meningitis, my partner still has a few memory problems, some residual pain and he does still occasionally fall asleep when stressed, but overall he's back to who he was. He even got back on his bike to take part in the Team Honk baton relay for Sport Relief. 2014 saw steady improvement throughout, and by Easter we had returned to a life where there were 2 strong parents in the house. Life did get a lot easier.

June of 2014 saw me attend Britmums Live. Drumond Park sponsored me, the BBC interviewed me,  I bought a posh new frock and had an amazing weekend with fabulous friends, and met and caught up with, and listened and learnt, from some amazing bloggers - and while I was gone nothing exciting happened, they all coped just fine without me for 2 days. It was very special.

We had 2 children doing GCSE's, so 2014 really was spent around them and their need to revise, and it paid off - they both did ridiculously well with mainly A's and A*'s. Our youngest started school, our oldest dropped out of uni, our 14 year old chose their options and our 6 year old discovered a love of reading that's seen him move from 'cat' to 'claustrophobia' at rocket speed.

I'm sure other things happened, but 2014 is all a bit of a blur now....

Everything that seemed important changed at 7.04am on August 15th 2014. That's when it all broke.

Losing Elspeth has defined the rest of 2014, and it's very clear it'll define the rest of our lives. I have written about it monthly, but never in much detail, the grief is incredibly personal, and being a survivor afterwards is riddled with 'what if' and 'maybe'. Hindsight hasn't provided any of us with any clues or obvious ways we could have known or helped her with how she was feeling, and sad as that is, it makes it slightly easier to cope with her loss, although it makes living with 4 other teenagers and 2 small boys a much more scary place to be.

She didn't wait for her exam results, she didn't have chance to find out how much fun college was, she never felt the pride of a first wage packet or the intensity if a first real love affair. She didn't get to see the Doctor Who Christmas special, and she would have approved. She never got to find out that being a teenager is really hard, but it gets easier and ten years down the line you really do see that you did awesome stuff, and you smile at how hard hormones made it seem at the time.
We didn't get to celebrate her achievements, we'll never again hear her hilarious asides and witty or ascerbic comments, or smile at her passion for women's rights,  and gay rights. No more fabulous drawings suddenly appearing stuck to the fridge with magnets, and no more listening secretly to her play guitar in her room. We miss her, and we'll always miss her.

Since I was old enough to drink I've always raised a glass on New Years Eve to those who have left, and this year the list is long and full of sadness. Celebrities and common folk alike, they all leave behind friends and family who have a gap in their lives which will never fill up. Some made it to the end, but too many had not yet finished.

The world of cinema lost so many people who I grew up with - Harold Ramis, who as the fabulous Egon Spengler was my favourite Ghostbuster, Bob Hoskins, Robin Williams, Eli Wallach and Mickey Rooney. Richard Attenborough, who will now forever be Santa Claus - with a secret past where he built a Dinosaur Island and it went a bit wrong, and H R Giger, the amazing artist who created an alien which would redefine scary, but which Sigourney Weaver could fall in love with.

TV lost Roger Lloyd-Pack - best known to me as Trigger in Only Fools And Horses, and introduced to a younger audience as Barty Crouch Jr in Harry Potter. Very publicly we lost Linda bellingham - everyone's ideal Mum. Rik Mayall, who I had the pleasure of watching perform on stage back in 1992, the writer of much that Channel 4 had to offer in the early days. We also lost Casey Kasem, a name which is not so familiar in the UK, but this guy was Scooby Doo for our entire childhood, and for our children's childhood...

Eric Hill, who's books are read hundreds of times and yet finding Spot behind the curtain never gets boring to any 2 year old. Sue Townsend, who's Secret Diary Of Adrian Mole was the first book I ever heard about and needed to read, and Maya Angelou, who so eloquently taught us all a few things about humanity.

19 year old Stephen Sutton MBE lost his fight against Cancer, but won the battle to get recognition for the Teenage Cancer Trust, and raised over £5m with his courage and honesty. 

We lost Colin Pillinger, a Scientist who dedicated his life trying to discover "are we alone" and as far as we know never got a definitive answer, and Tony Benn, who may have held political allegiance you didn't agree with, but who since 2001 led a fight against unjust war and racism, and campaigned for civil liberties.

Goodbye to them all.

2014 was not a good year for us, we learnt so little and lost so much. My only comfort is that I know my 'Dear Elspeth' post has helped a lot of people to speak up, and get the help they need. This photo appeared on my Facebook timeline a little while ago, and never has it been more appropriate....

I'll leave you with another loss from 2014, Joe Cocker, and a thank you to everyone who has been there for us. We are still here, and still trudging, and it's you guys, our friends, who have carried us this far x

Turn the page.....but never put down the book.

Happy New Year to all of my readers -
I wish you health, peace and happiness for 2015 x