15 Month Smiles.

Everyone seems to be having it a bit rough at the moment. The clocks changed and Halloween and Bonfire Night came and went and the rain moved in, and lots of us haven't seen much daylight since then. In another week it'll be less than 5 weeks to Christmas and we can start getting excited/panicked, but this week is a low. It'll pass.

The last month has actually been the hardest for us in a long time. It's been 15 months since Elspeth died, and to the outside world 15 months is such a long time. We should be learning to live with our new life. In many ways though, the new life is just beginning. Our child who was struggling and literally 'wasting away' has been in hospital for the past 3 weeks.

We didn't let on to anyone other than family, but our child was very ill. Thankfully their health has now stabilised and has actually improved as quickly as it deteriorated. They've even gained a little weight and we should be able to relax a level or two - in fact all the stress you didn't allow yourself at the time comes out at this point.

As a result my partner and I are back in family counselling and the one of our children who didn't want counselling 15 months ago has now thankfully asked for it. Our younger two are clingy and demand hugs before they let anyone leave. They're leaning on each other for support, becoming incredibly close and back to being more afraid of being alone. They wake each other in the night because they don't want to go to the loo by themselves, nor do they want to be left behind in the bedroom. We're in no way back to square one, but that only serves to show just how long a road this is we've been travelling.

Hats off to ANYONE who manages to cope with a child in hospital and other children outside. The teenagers have been brilliant, looking after their little brothers, making tea and putting up with shattered adults. Nothing about hospital visiting is a chore, it is a delight to see them every time (and especially when they are recovering) but that doesn't mean that it isn't utterly exhausting for those who do it, and those who are left at home to cope.

In our usual attempts to keep life going and take whatever we have and damn well do our best with it, we have lots of smiles. Mainly from the little kids, but everyone has been busy....We had a trip to London for Guinness World Records Party, a Disney Store Party I'll tell you about tomorrow, Halloween and Bonfire night, amongst others...

If you can't see the smiles for you, keep looking, they are always there....x