An apology to my child...

I gave my child an unfortunate name. When I was pregnant we spent loads of time trying to decide on a name. We'd got other children and so lots of the favourites were already used up. I was actually 37 weeks pregnant when we finally decided on a name.

We didn't know whether we were having a boy or a girl. I had specifically asked not to find out, which got harder as the pregnancy progressed and my baby plotted at 11lbs. They insisted on scans regularly, especially towards the end, just in case I had an instant baby.

I've had 2 instant babies and I'm not trying to show off, but it's definitely the best way to go about it. Sleep through a quick labour, wake up and have a baby. It's more surprising, but less tiresome than the usual way. The hospital didn't really like the idea of an instant 11lb baby without any medical help. Repeatedly scanning me was their way to somehow insure against this...

The scanning did however supply us with some awesome photos... (And at least once the Sonographer did slip up and refer to the baby by gender, but we forgave her.)

By the time came that my hospital bags were packed and sleeping in a lying position was impossible, I really was a bit concerned. I don't like to definitely name my children before I see them, in case it doesn't fit, but I need some ideas. 37 weeks was pushing it really because we had nothing.

Jokingly, and a bit desperately, I turned to the bookcase and started reading out names. Roald was one of the first I saw. I got quite excited about it. My partner likes unusual names, I like names with a history behind them, it almost worked.

We went through - David, Andrew, Charlotte, Emily, Charles, Lewis, Michael. Nothing grabbed our attention until I saw it. Hiding between 2 huge volumes was a stray DVD of one of my all-time favourite movies. I read out the eponymous title slowly, considering it myself.

It was a classic name with good standing, I could only think of people I liked with that name. Some incredibly talented actors have that name (and maybe a couple of murderers, but you can't have everything). It was very popular for years, but recently is more uncommon. Everyone knows how to spell it and the shortened versions worked really well. I liked the sound of it and it went with the family surname. It was even Scottish, as is my partner. 

My partner looked across at me, "okay". That was it. Name chosen.

I had my baby a week later, so we were just in time.. Not an instant baby and my smallest at a very sweet 7lb6. Some people were surprised by his name, but generally everyone loved it, especially my partner's parents, as we had actually named our child after a much-loved great-grandparent.

All was well for years and then a really unfortunate thing happened.

You can be famous and have a name and no-one really pays any notice, or you can be the sort of famous where people spit out your name and everyone is talking about you. All the time. All over the world.  And most of it isn't good.

You can even be both, one after the other.

It's hardly fair that I give my child a perfectly reasonable name and then find a few years later that it's the first name anyone thinks of when you say "buffoon". That honour was bestowed on Mr Bean many years ago and I doubt a single person has named their child after him since.

I think we may have mentioned our child's namesake in passing at some point and dismissed them as irrelevant. A celebrity for celebrity's sake. Famous for being famous. We couldn't have known they would decide to branch out.

Our child's good, solid name is now synonymous with Cheetos, small hands, hilarious tweets and more worryingly narcissism, misogyny and inhumanity.

There are of course two consolations. The first is that our child is usually called by the shortened version, because we shorten names when we like people. Like they did with the eponymous hero in the movie title. Never are we likely to hear the world's most famous over-user of fake tan called by a shortened name.

The second is that a politician's time in the spotlight is usually short-lived. No-one would for a second assume you'd named a child called George after Bush. Or indeed named a child Reagan after Reagan... so we should be okay by 2025...  

At this point I'd prefer no-one mention the sequin-clad 70's teen singing sensation who may also have the same name. Annoyingly the midwife reminded us of them when our child was only a couple of minutes old... It seems you can never win...

 

By Unknown - Public Domain via Wikipedia