If You See These Animals In Your House, Run Away!

Clickbait is great isn't it? All those boxes at the bottom and side with snappy titles, encouraging you to click and look. You have a to-do list longer than your smartphone screen and it's all very very urgent, but somehow you are staring at page 27/31 of  The 10+ Most Disgusting Things Pulled Out Of A Shark.

You didn't start here, you were researching something very important and sensible and it just happened. 3 1/2 hours ago. Now there is 20 minutes to eat lunch, vacuum and take the washing out of the machine plus nip to the shop, and do that original urgent important thing you were going to do on the internet.

You may have a vague recollection of what you just saw, but you'll notice it disappears before you can quite catch it and hold onto it. This is because you were actually sleeping. Whatever you read and saw started melting away the moment you snapped yourself awake. 15 Of The Most Amazing Things That People Once Did With A Paperclip seemed fascinating at the time, but aside from a few essential functions like breathing, holding open your eyelids and swinging your chair side to side, you were dormant.

In an hour you won't be able to recall a single thing you saw. That's okay because it's entirely useless and irrelevant to the rest of your life.

Clickbait is generally pretty dire, with a soothing sedative effect that is highly addictive. You'll start at Parking Attendant Fails for a little moment of light relief, shimmy on through 8 Close Calls Caught On Camera and feel it was 10 minutes well spent. 2 hours later and it's a different story. The shame begins when you realise you just opened Pick A Mango And We'll Tell You What You Should Call Your Dog.

If you find yourself looking at Top 12 Tie-Wearing Celebrities (I didn't even recognise 5 of them) then ease yourself back into a healthier vein. This Week's Best Scientific Discoveries or 17 Of The Most Inspirational Things Said On TV are far more educational, but always be alert for a con. This morning I read a list of 10 Of The Most Scrummy Cookie Ingredients which just turned out to be a very complicated recipe.

I promised you clickbait, I will not disappoint. Here are those animals from the title. Be warned, they are pretty scary. I've kept it to 5 so that you'll get something else done today...

(Probably should mention I didn't have any photos, so my son offered to do the illustrations. He's experimenting with mixed media)

Siberian Tiger.

The little known Bushy-Tailed CrocaTiger

Have you seen how big they are? Huge! You might think they're sort of a bit bigger than a pig, but they can be 11 feet tall. I could practically walk under a tiger without ducking. Some people may consider them pets, but it doesn't often turn out well.

Humpback Whale.

A young example yet to get the hump

Firstly they are aquatic. I haven't bothered to work it out, but they'd need more than a jug full of water. Probably about 15 busses worth if you are the sort of person who measures using public transport.

Woolly Mammoth.

I love this Mammoth

Previously thought to be extinct, you mustn't kill it because it's the only living specimen. They eat grass, so in Wintertime ask around the neighbours in case anyone has a guinea pig and can lend you some hay.

The Snowman.

The Snowman (We're walking in the airrrrghh...)

Just think about it for one second. Even my child knew. I asked him to draw The Snowman. This is a 7foot tall yeti made from compacted snow and weighing about 500lbs. Don't believe him when he says he can fly and if you must go along with his stories, insist you take off from the ground. At least The Gruffalo is honest.

Moths.*

Don't attempt to defeat moths with drugs, it only makes them more erratic.

Moths are to butterflies what vampires are to humans. They come out at night, have frilly bits and suck your blood. The last bit might be a lie. Beware giant moths and score mega bonus points by saving your other half when flappy smooshy things appear suddenly in the night.

*Included at the specific request of my partner...

Unbelievably there are no links in this post except my own and no-one paid me a penny to write it. The idea just amused me. And I like writing.