Was Chester Bennington A Coward?

Over the past few days suicide has barely been out of the headlines. Chester Bennington has been discussed a lot in our house and always with the same end to the conversation. Suicide isn't harmless, it has a massive, rippling negative effect, and anyone who treats it with purely sympathy is sweeping a lot under the carpet.

There's been a real backlash condemning Brian Welch for his outburst against his friend, and I don't agree with it at all. I think he's allowed to call his friend a coward. He will think that. He'll also spend time thinking his friend was selfish, nasty, foolish, wasteful, hurtful. When you end your own life, the people left behind will without a shadow of a doubt spend time thinking that all the pain they are feeling, and the hurt and sadness that they and your loved ones, your friends and everyone else is going through, is due to you.

As those who are left try to make sense of the shock, as they scramble to rearrange what is left of their life into some sort of workable order, and struggle to see why they are bothering, they will find it almost impossible not to think of the person who died as a coward.

Blaming the person who died isn't an option because we know full well it's not their fault. As Brian Welch found out, you'll be pilloried for suggesting it. Everyone will wave their fists and say that 'you don't understand'. You do. You know that actually the person who died was the one unable to understand. Right there and at that second, they forgot why they shouldn't. They couldn't see the right path ahead and you weren't there to save them. So you can't blame them, you have to try to lay blame somewhere else. Probably at least partly with yourself.

When Brian Welch typed, he had just found out someone died. However close or distant a friend, he was grieving. I'm a fist-waver myself, and I'm pretty sure one of the mantras is that you are allowed to grieve however is appropriate. We all know the second stage of grief is anger. You'll say all kinds of things, you'll blurt out all kinds of thoughts. Let it out, don't keep it in - another mantra. He's apologised to anyone who was offended, now apologise to him for not being understanding.

Brian Welch wrote:

“Honestly, Chester's an old friend who we've hung with many times, and I have friends who are extremely close to him, but this is truly pissing me off! How can these guys send this message to their kids and fans?! I'm sick of this suicide shit! I've battled depression/mental illness, and I'm trying to be sympathetic, but it's hard when you're pissed! Enough is enough! Giving up on your kids, fans, and life is the cowardly way out!!!”

We don't say 'battled' depression and mental illness because it's easy. It's a day-to-day 3-way fight between you, yourself and the world. By making Brian feel bad about what he wrote, every comment took away from him how proud he should feel that he's winning. He shows his main motivation is his family and his fans. I feel real sorrow for Chester Bennington's family and his fans too. This example will haunt them for a lifetime. His fans see a headline-grabbing role-model with a tragic story and his children will always know that suicide is a real thing that happens to people like them.

They will always struggle to understand that their Dad loved them. They'll be far older before they can comprehend that he probably felt life would be easier for them once he's gone. He probably felt like a burden, that they'd be able to move on with their lives far easier without him. They won't ever find that easy to understand because it won't ever be true...

Losing someone to suicide is described by SOBS as 'grief with the volume turned up' because it is so much more. You didn't just lose someone, you lost someone who you believe could still be here. It is really super hard. You feel a failure, you feel you should have been able to help. You trawl back through every moment you spent with them, wondering whether you could have spotted how bad they felt, you maybe could have saved them. If you'd just done or said the right thing or smiled at the right time, would you have been able to show them some hope?

The ripples of remorse and unanswered questions go on forever.

I come to my blog each month and I post our collected smiles. With all the polish rubbed off and being brutally, brutally raw, I've spent most of the last 3 years since we lost Elspeth trying to keep the rest of my family alive and functioning, and we have had an awful lot of professional help because we couldn't manage it alone. The figures for increased suicide this next fortnight will probably never come to light, but Chester Bennington's act, especially to vulnerable young people who are finding life confusing and hard enough already, is bad and it is damaging. Even though we cannot blame him, the manner of his death cannot be remembered purely with sympathy.

Far too many of us have stood on that cliff-edge, and it really does take everything you have to step back. You have to remember, you have to see hope. Chester reached a point he couldn't see past. He stopped being brave and if that makes him a coward then so be it. He may have run out of courage, but that was because he ran out of hope. There is no shame in finding your cup is empty and having no idea how to fill it, there's only sadness.

The feelings around losing someone to suicide are so many that it's impossible to sort them out in your own head. Shock, loss, confusion, frustration, remorse, despair, regret and anger included, but the truth is that there really is nothing that ever comes close to, or is as permanent as, the overwhelming depth of sadness.

You are allowed to be sad to hear of Chester Bennington's death, you are allowed to be disappointed, but you are also allowed to be annoyed, especially if you also battle to find hope and have tried so hard to keep winning. You are still fighting. and you are even allowed to take strength from that. You are the one who can walk out of your home tomorrow, breathe deep, smile and take charge of the rest of your life...

However bad it feels at that moment, it's that moment and it won't be that moment forever. Just as you can't have the best day ever for the rest of your life, you can't have the worst either. I'm passionate about collecting our smiles each month because I know each and every one really does mean it is worth carrying on. Those are the moments we need to count, to capture and hold on to. Over the past 35 months I have collected thousands...

If you are struggling then there is always someone you can talk to. Always. Get past that moment because it is always worth it.

In the UK:

The Samaritans are online and on the phone 24 hours a day - 116 123

Childline are online and on the phone 24 hours a day -  0800 1111

If you are a young person or are worried about another young person you can get in touch with Papyrus. - 0800 068 41 41