#TBCSmiles... 96 Months... 8 Years.

 8 years ago today, we woke up to find that one of our teenage children hadn't survived the night. In the early hours of the morning she had taken her own life. I wrote about it at the time, here. 

After 8 years we know that today isn't likely to be as hard as you might fear. It's not a reminder of Elspeth, because there is nothing forgotten, and mentally we know this date is coming, so we can brace ourselves for it. This is a day we can at least take off the mask and any illusion of pretending to be fine, even if we aren't. 

Any day might be interrupted with a surprise memory, a badly chosen comment, a celebrity story, or a worry about someone you know, or don't. Any day can end badly just as it can end well, but each and every day is a mundane sort of grief, a new normal that you learn to live alongside. 

There are never quite enough people for dinner, or enough washing to go in the machine, and nowadays I cook mainly in silence standing alone, without Elspeth sitting at the kitchen table chatting. I usually love cooking, but sometimes I just can't bring myself to do it. 

When I read a book or watch a movie, I don't get to ask her opinion. Choosing gifts is impossible, because all I see are things she would like. Moving furniture, adopting pets, cutting hair. You wonder what she would think. Sometimes someone speaks and I can hear her voice in their words. I miss her dry humour and sarcasm. Being funny without her is just not as good. 

When I chastise my children, am I being too hard, or am I being too gentle because I don’t want to be too hard? Did I say the right thing? Do I tell them enough how proud I am of them, and have I told them I love them today? Can I still be a good mum? Parenting after losing a child to suicide is a minefield.

Birthdays, Christmas, Summer holidays, kids at uni, kids going to work. What would she be doing with her life now? Would she be close to the other kids? Would they be as close to each other if they hadn't had this awful shared experience? And are they okay? When did I really check in on them last? Parenting children and young people who have lost a sibling is incredibly stressful. 

How is my partner coping? Is he throwing himself into work or a game to hide away? Has he eaten? Am I being supportive enough to him? Being an adult to another adult when you are tired and sore yourself is as much about leaning on each other to stay mainly upright, as it is being there to catch them if they fall. I am so glad we have each other, and I worry about anyone trying to do this alone. 

I lost my mum less than 2 months ago, but is it Elspeth who sits at my shoulder as I tidy her house, and acts as my conscience when I'm not careful enough with something my mum labelled treasure. Grief is a long, slow process that is constantly interrupted by the child who shouldn't have left, and that brings with it more feelings of guilt. I loved my mum, she has a right to fill my thoughts. I should be thinking of days at the beach and playing with Tupperware toys on the carpet, but somehow my mind always turns to our own children, and me as the grown up cleaning skinned knees and sharing out sandwiches. 

Elspeth is always present in everything I say or do, and I know that she will always be present... because she should still be here.

It has been a hard and very long 8 years, but with a huge amount of care and support from people like you (thank you), and Winston's Wish, and the Compassionate Friends, and the NHS, we are all still going strong, and our children are thriving. 2 of our young people are still at uni, and 2 are currently working full time. 3 of them have now moved out to live with friends, or their amazing partners, and the youngest 2 are currently enjoying their school Summer holiday and doing all those things teenage kids should be doing... 

Life throws a lot of things at you, and the best you can do is shake the worst of the dust off, change your path and keep going, and try to keep your heart soft, and your dreams hopeful. 

We've come a long way already. We can do this....

(The regular #TBCSmiles sharing of your smiley photos from Instagram will be on Wednesday 17th this month, including the delayed TBCSmiles from July, which was when I was busy with my mother's funeral. The two paintings and the felted angel in this post were gifts, made especially for us by incredibly talented UK artists.)